25.11.08

Sweet Memories of Dad

It is human to dislike all sorts of goodbyes - whichever form they take, partings, breaking up... particulary those of any permanence in nature.

Psychologists tell us that there is a process to grieving - denial, anger, depression and finally acceptance. As human emotions go by, doubt it could ever be successively linear, that one could progress from one stage cleanly and neatly to the next, or perhaps as the sages advised and/or common sense dictates - time heals...

Dad passed away at 5.30am on 23 Nov. Not unexpected, but still heart wrenchingly painful to let go...

Having lived a full life at 82 years old, a ripe old age, one might say, with great grandchildren to boast of his lineage. He was seriously ill, wouldn't that be a relief from the pain and suffering...yes...but as his child, I'd really really wanted him to live till 120, at least...

But one needs to get real. Even after all the funereal rites of passage to aid the family in letting go, kindly monks and temple workers who gently advised that dad had moved on to the next realm, am still struggling with the acceptance stage...

Perhaps by recalling all the sweet memories that dad created would provide some ease ..

My siblings would easily testify as to who would have been the family klutz, the blur one. Household chores were most unwelcomed as inevitably there were equal parts of damage to equipment and bodily injury, not counting the merciless teasing (incidentally, still get them from loving siblings with long memories...) Mum just worried that I would never get married. Dad just said study hard and get a maid. He provide an option to work hard and smart, managing a household efficiently wasn't the only destination, he believed in me.

When a single tiny golden hoop was the high fashion for young girls, I had to have one, of course. Unco-operative ear lopes meant infection, blood and puz oozing, not a pretty sight. Almost certain that the earlope was going to be a major deformity, mum was convinced with this added disaster, I would never ever find a husband. Dad said, forget about gold earrings, study hard and go for diamonds and pearls. With his comforting words, Dad made me feel special...and that yes, I could do it..

Mum took a rare day off from the kitchen to hang out with the aunts. Her instruction was for dad to feed us a square meal, in my family, that meant a lot a lot of vegetables. Dad was delighted and made a day out of it by making his special fried rice wrapped in fresh lettuce. I close my eyes and can still recall not just the taste, but the joy and the fun he'd had with the kids and his frequent grin. He was just a simple man enjoying the simple pleasures of fatherhood..

The Three Kingdoms was a favourite topic of discussion with his drinking buddies. Hanging around and shelling peanuts for him meant rewards with stolen sips of cold beer, a secret from mum, but which she knew of course and was indulgent with, just so... The first man who taught me to enjoy a nice cold beer - my father...I proudly declare to my own drinking buddies as a working adult..

Exam times was a period of particular stress, not the studying, but the nutritious brews concocted by mum to boost our brain power. Her impressive repertoire streched from every conceivably consumable part of different animals to really nasty looking/smelling herbs. Being an impeccable cook meant that every body part was preserved in its original state staring at you from the soup bowl. With mum's intense gaze, there was no weasling out. Dad took the lead by drinking over the little drain in the backyard. Conspiratorally, he said, take one sip and throw the rest away, of course that never happened...we had to finish every drop, amidst protests and quite some giggles. Now that was one cool dad who was on our side and who made it fun in taking some pain out of the process.

After a couple of beers with Uncle Loy, Dad would always ta-pau satay home and woke the kids up to supper. Nicer still is that he'd never suggested that we had to brush after that. It was always an indulgent, sleepy? go back to sleep now...yeah, got school tomorrow...never mind that he woke us up in the first place :)

One of the earliest childhood memory was sitting through a full length of Cantonese opera with dad. Still love this genre as much as any nice loud jazz music.

Dad was the ultimate human alarm clock, invariably and exactly 5 minutes before my alarm goes off, he knocks on my door. Miss this from the old man, really..

Even when he got seriously ill since August, Dad never lost his sense of humor, the family inherited this from him...whilst everyone else was busy with the undertaking, as usual I was assiged the easiest task, that is, to look after dad and was warned not to let the ants carry away Dad...Dad would have approved of this family humor heartily..

His fighting spirit was what I admired most. Dad fussed over and enjoyed his food, his palate had been completely spoilt by mum's thoughtfully prepared food. He completely enjoyed the suckling pig and the ultimate cholestrol laden fatty pork knuckles brought by second sister, Sherry. His eyes light up at simple food brought by us, porridge, dim sum, as long as it wasn't the plain, tasteless stuff they served up at the home, that's Dad, maintaining standards and indulging in the very simplest of day to day enjoyments...

He asked and got an extra large back scratcher to fend off an annoying neighbour at the nursing home...they made up soon after and Dad asked us to buy extra pastries to distribute to his friends, charming... From the photos, Dad was seen to be basking in simple joy with elder sister's family and family dog. Dad would have known that he was so blessed with elder brother and sister in law who never skipped a visit daily, unfailingly obliging..

After the last 20 years of estrangement, it was God's grace that Dad had the last three months to spend with us, Dad, it was really good to have you back with us..

Uncomplaining and stoic Dad remained, even on 20 Nov when he was in great pain. Knowing that I was away on a business trip, Dad hung on just so we could say goodbye personally the next day. Thank you Dad, thank you for this, this meant a lot to me and to you too, I know...

Dad asked for an allowance and a special wallet from the kids and grandkids, we agreed of course but wondered why. He felt that since he didn't leave any property or monies behind, he'd wanted to pass on some small monies as blessings to his descendents...how could he think that he didn't leave us anything...he gave us love unconditionally, in his own ways. He gave us the gift of laughter and a loving family to grow up in...

My older siblings have always been indulgent towards me. In turn, I hope that I have been an indulgent aunt. My nephews and neices now indulge in spoiling my kids. And son,Jing and daughter, Jia will spoil the children of their cousins, this is a family tradition...only so because Dad showed the way...

Dad, as I write this, I am missing you a lot...and if I had never told you this before, you should know that I would always be grateful for all the love that you have given to us all.

Is saying goodbye any easier now, well no, it still hurts, a lot..it will take time...but Dad, be comforted that your time with us was worthwhile and well spent by the gift of sweet memories that you created out of mundane day to day living by making each of us feel like your special favorite child. I hope that I learn this lesson well from you to create special and sweet memories for my children too.

Goodbye Dad, you have fought the good fight, bravely. May you now be surrounded by God's abundant comfort and love and be at rest, freed from any pain and suffering and be at peace....till we meet again in God's special place.

Missing and loving you very much, your youngest daughter,
Yue


PS. Dad, hope you enjoyed the loud band music playing your favourite tunes. Talents such as cousin Alan, grandson GB and grand daughter-in-law Big Jia peformed live for you :)

We are touched by Uncle 3, Uncle 8 Auntie Wah-sum and several cousins having turned up to say goodbye to you, very kind of them. We should keep in closer touch from now on. Grandson GB's idea to start a blog is a fabulous way to stay connected.

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