Sweet Memories of Dad

It is human to dislike all sorts of goodbyes - whichever form they take, partings, breaking up... particulary those of any permanence in nature.

Psychologists tell us that there is a process to grieving - denial, anger, depression and finally acceptance. As human emotions go by, doubt it could ever be successively linear, that one could progress from one stage cleanly and neatly to the next, or perhaps as the sages advised and/or common sense dictates - time heals...

Dad passed away at 5.30am on 23 Nov. Not unexpected, but still heart wrenchingly painful to let go...

Having lived a full life at 82 years old, a ripe old age, one might say, with great grandchildren to boast of his lineage. He was seriously ill, wouldn't that be a relief from the pain and suffering...yes...but as his child, I'd really really wanted him to live till 120, at least...

But one needs to get real. Even after all the funereal rites of passage to aid the family in letting go, kindly monks and temple workers who gently advised that dad had moved on to the next realm, am still struggling with the acceptance stage...

Perhaps by recalling all the sweet memories that dad created would provide some ease ..

My siblings would easily testify as to who would have been the family klutz, the blur one. Household chores were most unwelcomed as inevitably there were equal parts of damage to equipment and bodily injury, not counting the merciless teasing (incidentally, still get them from loving siblings with long memories...) Mum just worried that I would never get married. Dad just said study hard and get a maid. He provide an option to work hard and smart, managing a household efficiently wasn't the only destination, he believed in me.

When a single tiny golden hoop was the high fashion for young girls, I had to have one, of course. Unco-operative ear lopes meant infection, blood and puz oozing, not a pretty sight. Almost certain that the earlope was going to be a major deformity, mum was convinced with this added disaster, I would never ever find a husband. Dad said, forget about gold earrings, study hard and go for diamonds and pearls. With his comforting words, Dad made me feel special...and that yes, I could do it..

Mum took a rare day off from the kitchen to hang out with the aunts. Her instruction was for dad to feed us a square meal, in my family, that meant a lot a lot of vegetables. Dad was delighted and made a day out of it by making his special fried rice wrapped in fresh lettuce. I close my eyes and can still recall not just the taste, but the joy and the fun he'd had with the kids and his frequent grin. He was just a simple man enjoying the simple pleasures of fatherhood..

The Three Kingdoms was a favourite topic of discussion with his drinking buddies. Hanging around and shelling peanuts for him meant rewards with stolen sips of cold beer, a secret from mum, but which she knew of course and was indulgent with, just so... The first man who taught me to enjoy a nice cold beer - my father...I proudly declare to my own drinking buddies as a working adult..

Exam times was a period of particular stress, not the studying, but the nutritious brews concocted by mum to boost our brain power. Her impressive repertoire streched from every conceivably consumable part of different animals to really nasty looking/smelling herbs. Being an impeccable cook meant that every body part was preserved in its original state staring at you from the soup bowl. With mum's intense gaze, there was no weasling out. Dad took the lead by drinking over the little drain in the backyard. Conspiratorally, he said, take one sip and throw the rest away, of course that never happened...we had to finish every drop, amidst protests and quite some giggles. Now that was one cool dad who was on our side and who made it fun in taking some pain out of the process.

After a couple of beers with Uncle Loy, Dad would always ta-pau satay home and woke the kids up to supper. Nicer still is that he'd never suggested that we had to brush after that. It was always an indulgent, sleepy? go back to sleep now...yeah, got school tomorrow...never mind that he woke us up in the first place :)

One of the earliest childhood memory was sitting through a full length of Cantonese opera with dad. Still love this genre as much as any nice loud jazz music.

Dad was the ultimate human alarm clock, invariably and exactly 5 minutes before my alarm goes off, he knocks on my door. Miss this from the old man, really..

Even when he got seriously ill since August, Dad never lost his sense of humor, the family inherited this from him...whilst everyone else was busy with the undertaking, as usual I was assiged the easiest task, that is, to look after dad and was warned not to let the ants carry away Dad...Dad would have approved of this family humor heartily..

His fighting spirit was what I admired most. Dad fussed over and enjoyed his food, his palate had been completely spoilt by mum's thoughtfully prepared food. He completely enjoyed the suckling pig and the ultimate cholestrol laden fatty pork knuckles brought by second sister, Sherry. His eyes light up at simple food brought by us, porridge, dim sum, as long as it wasn't the plain, tasteless stuff they served up at the home, that's Dad, maintaining standards and indulging in the very simplest of day to day enjoyments...

He asked and got an extra large back scratcher to fend off an annoying neighbour at the nursing home...they made up soon after and Dad asked us to buy extra pastries to distribute to his friends, charming... From the photos, Dad was seen to be basking in simple joy with elder sister's family and family dog. Dad would have known that he was so blessed with elder brother and sister in law who never skipped a visit daily, unfailingly obliging..

After the last 20 years of estrangement, it was God's grace that Dad had the last three months to spend with us, Dad, it was really good to have you back with us..

Uncomplaining and stoic Dad remained, even on 20 Nov when he was in great pain. Knowing that I was away on a business trip, Dad hung on just so we could say goodbye personally the next day. Thank you Dad, thank you for this, this meant a lot to me and to you too, I know...

Dad asked for an allowance and a special wallet from the kids and grandkids, we agreed of course but wondered why. He felt that since he didn't leave any property or monies behind, he'd wanted to pass on some small monies as blessings to his descendents...how could he think that he didn't leave us anything...he gave us love unconditionally, in his own ways. He gave us the gift of laughter and a loving family to grow up in...

My older siblings have always been indulgent towards me. In turn, I hope that I have been an indulgent aunt. My nephews and neices now indulge in spoiling my kids. And son,Jing and daughter, Jia will spoil the children of their cousins, this is a family tradition...only so because Dad showed the way...

Dad, as I write this, I am missing you a lot...and if I had never told you this before, you should know that I would always be grateful for all the love that you have given to us all.

Is saying goodbye any easier now, well no, it still hurts, a lot..it will take time...but Dad, be comforted that your time with us was worthwhile and well spent by the gift of sweet memories that you created out of mundane day to day living by making each of us feel like your special favorite child. I hope that I learn this lesson well from you to create special and sweet memories for my children too.

Goodbye Dad, you have fought the good fight, bravely. May you now be surrounded by God's abundant comfort and love and be at rest, freed from any pain and suffering and be at peace....till we meet again in God's special place.

Missing and loving you very much, your youngest daughter,
Yue


PS. Dad, hope you enjoyed the loud band music playing your favourite tunes. Talents such as cousin Alan, grandson GB and grand daughter-in-law Big Jia peformed live for you :)

We are touched by Uncle 3, Uncle 8 Auntie Wah-sum and several cousins having turned up to say goodbye to you, very kind of them. We should keep in closer touch from now on. Grandson GB's idea to start a blog is a fabulous way to stay connected.

回忆保鲜

外公人虽然离开了，但许多和他的记忆都收藏在心里和相片的画面里。

塞翁失马，焉知非福！外公的入院反而让我们有更多亲近他的时间。以下是与外公在疗养院的留影。疗养院成为一家人常聚集的地方。每天买晚报、新民也成为我们和他老人家的一种约定。

请在以下网址点击到在去年分享一些旧照片的网页：

http://liewfamilylife.blogspot.com/2007/10/piece-of-history-merger-photobook.html

Goodbye Grandpa

(Liew Siew Lam, 1926 - 2008)

~oOo~

Ben called me at around 5am plus yesterday with the inevitable news that Grandpa has passed on. My immediate reaction was relief, that he has left behind the bodily suffering which he has stoutly endured without much complaints. He was a strong man.

I reached the hospice at around 6am. He looked serene and wore the briefest of smiles. We did some chanting. The undertakers took over and sent him to the void deck where the wake would take place.

The six of us grandsons took the night vigil, divided into two shifts. The first will cover till 3am and the second till day break when the 'adults' will take over.

I was in the first shift. Even with the help of MacDonald's coffee and a extra value meal, we struggled to fight off the sleep monster. It was really tiring. To ward off sleep, we sometimes chatted, walked around, checked that the incense and candles were burning.

Grandpa's photo, taken probably when my mum was still a child, showed a handsome man, with steel in his eyes and optimisim in the future. History would show that life was not easy for him, bringing up many children, a few whom left him early, losing his wife just when life was getting better and the children were grown up.

Looking at his photo, I reflected on the recent months when we had more contact. Visiting him in the hospital, fetching home after being discharged, visiting him in the hospice, trying to entertain him and seeing him gradually weaken.

He has led a full life, of 82 years, travelled many countries (in his latter years) and enjoyed the love and support of his family in his final days.

And it was time to go.

Goodbye, Kong Kong.

Hanging On

Grandpa's will to live is strong. This morning, mum called and said that doctor informed that water has started to fill grandpa's lungs and it will be a matter of hours before he goes.

So I informed my director and took urgent leave and rushed down. True enough, grandpa has shrunk further, the skin on his face pulled tightly around his skull.

The doctor has administered some morphine so grandpa appeared to be dozing.

And so the day passed and the few of us guarding his bedside continously. Sometimes, we will catch ourselves stealing a glance at his chest to see whether he is still breathing. It was a tiring day for everyone, especially for grandpa.

The end seems near

Mum called.

Doc said to be mentally prepared.

I remembered a story Ajahn Bhram said before. Sometimes, you have to tell the person it is ok to go.

想念雨生

张雨生。今早，听1003，今天是雨生遇车祸的日子。那是很多年以前的事了。当然，他不认识我，我却从他的音乐认识了他，也和他有一面之缘。

我记得，最早听到雨生的歌是中一的时候。在学校负责斗歌竞艺的音响，是初赛。当时没有CD，只有卡带，所以要找到karaoke 伴唱带是很不容易的。当事的伴唱带，是要调balance，比如转到左是纯音乐，没有歌手的声音。当时我不知道。当我播了其中一位参赛者的卡带，怎么歌声这么好，原来是原唱者的声音，那便是雨生的《天天想你》。

后来，在初院时，也看见雨生的音乐转变，从很好听但很商业的《大海》到有点自己的思想的《一天到晚游泳的鱼》到我不怎么听得懂的《卡拉OK、台北、我》，我渐渐喜欢上雨生。

有一回郭富城和雨生一起上节目，雨生谈吉他，Aaron唱，在他闲聊之际，雨生语重心长地说了其实你唱得很不错。这便是雨生。

后来，大学大概二年级的时候，雨生刚和张惠妹合唱了《最爱的人伤我最深》，他也出了《两伊战争》，到南大宣传。 我去听了他的音乐会，雨生歌声高亢，一个小时的节目，没喝到一口水，谈吐高雅，真诚。他走的时候，我跟他握了手。

过了不久，他便离开了。

在电视看到陶子主持的《想念雨生》节目，我跟着在遥远台湾的心灵一起伤心。

下午开车吃午饭时，听1003，安娜播了《我是一颗秋天的树》，她说很久没有听到这么好听的歌了。真的。

美丽的句号

“快乐学堂2008毕业典礼”


“新加坡——中国长者终身学习论坛”终於顺利成功的举行和圆满的结束了。


我和众多参与义工的同学也被邀请参与他们的“劳心劳力”慰劳会，出席的同学都精力充沛高歌一曲《当我们都在一起》，快乐、幸福洋溢在他们的脸上，玩起游戏一点都不输于幼儿园的小朋友们。哈哈！“快乐学堂”名不虚传！


以下是我“名人逐个拍”拍下他们的倩影，让大家一一欣赏：

校长黄明德。 他身旁的那位长者是谁，请猜猜看！

Dad due for surgery

Dad got the go ahead for his EVLT surgery for his varicose veins on his right leg. A one hour operation but requiring a one night hospital stay.

Accompanied dad on his previous two visits to consult the specialist. Was very unhappy with the service standards of the nurses. I suspect the reason is that the processes are not clear and the lines between using computer or human intervention are blurred. Case in point. We were asked to wait to visit a hospital officer after seeing the specialisit so that the officer can explain to us about the administrative aspects of the surgery. One nurse said we could just wait for dad's name to be called. So we waited. Until a point which I felt was too long a wait, I approached another nurse was was told we had to take a number. At which point I questioned the process and the two nurses, who told me different stories, could not really decide what was the real procedure.

I filled in a feedback form asking for a reply. It has been a week since.